my worlds been rocked.

Uh well, I woke up this morning only to realize that my car was broken into right outside of my house. This is the first time that this has ever happened to me. I had all of my car paperwork, registration, insurance all of that thrown everywhere on the front seats with the glove compartment open as well as the middle console. Luckily, nothing was missing. The CD player and iphone charger were all still intact which I figured would be the first things one breaking into a car would get their hands on. I took a peek in my backseat and my freshly wrapped canvas' were still there along with my rulers, yardsticks and paint palettes, though one thing was missing that made me want to initially vomit right then and there. My entire large, over-flowing bag of every single tube of oil paint I own as well as all of my paint brushes. I instantly began bawling. 

Let me do some quick math for you. Over time, I have proudly created a large selection of oil paints since HIGH SCHOOL that has lasted for great lengths of time. I have over 150 tubes of oil. One tube of oil paint averages between $7.00 - $20.00. Because I am quite picky with my selection of quality with paints and I use quite unique pigments of oil, the tubes I own are more on the expensive end of the spectrum where we hit in the twenty dollar range. So, what is 150 (tubes of oil) x 20 (price of one tube)? $3,000. $3,000!!!! Not to mention I had about 12-15 oil paint brushes which range from $7.00 to $20.00 as well... I've been more than robbed. My personal life has been invaded. The one thing I am most passionate about has been taken from me, just like that. Why of all things, did they take my paints? I had a phone charger and a blasted CD player in the car, and they took the one thing that my life was so fully invested in, at the most crucial time in my education as an artist and what could be the beginning of my career as an artist come graduation this December. 

I'm still in awe over it. I've contacted the police, filed a report and it turns out many reports have come in within my area with the same exact reports except no one had items stolen from them, but me. The police think it was a group of kids, which really makes me even more disappointed. I'm not angry, I am just deeply sad and crushed. I have nothing as an artist. Nothing. I didn't go to classes today because I had no oils to use and no brushes to paint with. I have to completely start from scratch and I'll never be able to afford $3,000 worth of oil paints right off the bat that I had relied on so heavily. The collection of oil paints and brushes I owned has taken me over 8 years to gain. I cry just thinking about it. I'm crying right now. I bawled all morning and afternoon.  I even ran errands not knowing I had black mascara tear marks down my face while at the grocery store. I cried on the phone to my family and friends. I cried in the dressing room of Victoria Secret while no bra I tried on worked and then my mind raced back to my paints and how terrible this day has been. 

I know there are worse things in the world, but when it's something that is your main tool to create things that give you such joy, appreciation in your life and something that makes you so proud of your accomplishments is taken from you, it hurts deeply. And I know not many can relate but I feel more than robbed. I feel as though I am now incapable of accomplishing works of art because I no longer have my tools that I have taken with me all over since I was 16 to get me through a really hard painting that took more then blood, sweat and tears. 

I just wish whoever the kids were would knock on my front door and return my personal items. I wouldn't even yell, I wouldn't even say anything. I'd honestly just cry with relief and thankfulness. If only they knew how badly they've hurt me. I know these paints can be replaced, but only with time. I am just thankful they weren't my paintings. 

I am trying my best to keep my chin up and find the good in this situation. I think back on all of my favorite old masters and the trials they experienced during their journey as an artist and I'd like to think this is something that could be added into my bio on my Wikipedia page... at least I didn't cut my ear off like my man Van Gogh - things could be worse. 

I've been through all of the stages of emotions today. This morning I was grieving and crying nonstop, then it turned into anger and I may have said only a few profanities, just a few. Then it turned into a buck-up attitude and now I am just back to being extremely sad but I'm not angry. 

Such is life. We all must move on. I know this is not as big of a deal to some, but it's just personal. And it's okay. It's okay. It's all going to be okay. Once graduation hits, I really will be that poor artist trying to get by like everyone talks about. Here goes nothing...